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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Mourning Pages

I find myself with not much to say today. I'm sure that'll change, but I find myself curiously quiet here. I've figured out alot about myself and my life in the past little while, and although it's said that knowledge is power, more importantly, I see the practice of knowledge as the only real power.
Life will change with the application of these new facts. I have learned the depth of my ability, my drive, my focus and my desire. I have also seen the ying to that yang, and that is my lack of discipline, my taking far too much shit, and my constant compromise of myself.
I haven't even scratched the surface of what I can do with this life, and really, there is nobody to blame but me. It makes me angry. I have always wanted to take everybody that is in my heart with me to this place, but I realize now I can't. It's for me and me alone. I can only hope that my life will continue to run parralell with those of whom I care for. Probably won't, though.
So, these mourning pages are just that. But with a silver lining. I don't know what I'm going toward, and I suppose it isn't going to be anywhere near easy, and sometimes it will be downright unpleasant and difficult, but it will be. I must work, I must stay humble, dedicated, focused, disciplined - and I must carry a big stick and show no fear in using it.
I should say that just about covers it. What will the next lesson be?
What you lose externally seems to end up inside you when it's all said and done. Throw it all away, and somehow, it'll all come back.


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