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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Real Resume

I recently finished 10 days of work at the Calgary Stampede. I am happy to be finished with it. Although I have spent the majority if my time in recent years hitting the road and the many stages as a Stand-Up Comedian, I have been (un)fortunate enough to have experienced a varying array of jobs in a plethora of fields. What is the point of going through the pain of all of these if I can’t look back and share the experiences?

I always thought it would be nice if people told the truth when they compiled their job experiences, so, in this spirit, I bring to you my REAL resume in attempted chronological order.

McDonalds: I was 15 or 16 and it was my first job. I was hired on New Years Eve much to my chagrin. My parents, on the other hand, were ecstatic to have me making my own money. I was mortified that the Gravy Train had de-railed in front of the Golden Arches.

It wasn’t long, though, before I learned that this job was a good thing. In school and life in general at that point, I found I had the ability to find the disenfranchised and bring them together to rally against the forces of power and conformity. This ability often led me to trouble. Serendipitously, at McDonalds, I was united with two fellow anti-authoritarians, Wayne and Andrew, two of the craziest people I’ve been lucky to meet. We, together, realized that if we did our jobs, the forces that were would be powerless to stop our troublesome ways. We ‘freed’ the mind of an Afghani Immigrant to fight against the command structure of McDonalds. We got honour-roll students who worked for nothing more than life experience to insubordinate and feel alive.

We pranked our way around and had fun. A favourite was to pour water in the Drive-Thru lane during winter, making an ice-field that cars were unable to stop on. It was good laughs and good times. Sadly, ‘Upper’ Management was attempting feverishly to remove us, (rightly) suspecting us to be cancer spreading through the restaurant; problem was they had nothing on us. We knew were the cameras were, we knew our allies and we knew our enemies. One ally was Darryl, our psychic manager who knew our troublesome ways via his uncanny sixth sense. He was a good man who knew we, at least, did our jobs between pranks and revolutionary tactics. He always looked the other way as long as the fries were crispy.

A lesson to all – of you want to break the rules, you must first play by them. That, and ‘Clean as You Go’ were two skills I leaned at McDonalds and ply to this day. Eventually, Wayne was sent on his Mormon Mission, and Andrew and I were weakened as a result. The Psychic manager left and the Power Brokers were zeroing in on us. They gave us less shifts and never again did Andrew and I work together. It was at that point I realized my calling was not to destroy McDonalds from within. No, I was to destroy something much bigger, and I decided to quit. Andrew left, too, and continued his ways on his journey. I anticipate we will meet again and bring down that which our destiny calls us to end. After a year and a half, McDonalds was over, and I was off to a new challenge.

More to come, as I discuss such important employment experiences such as Wal-Mart and the the job I quit just so I could go do a show in Red Deer.


Anonymous Lisa said...

This is good, Brett - very good. I'm looking forward to the next installment!

9:47 PM


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