An Exclusive

***** We here at thebrettmartin offices are happy to announce an exclusive, one-time only interview with Brett Martin. He's agreed to sit down and give us a few minutes of his waking hours to drip his guard, chat with us, and open up. Enjoy *****

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

Hamilton, Ontario. It's the blue-collar capital of the world. I haven't seen much of i, but it seems ok. I'm having to crash at an old friends' house....

WHO?

....never interrupt me again. He's The Pick. He's a comic I started with in Calgary. Great guy. Was in the military. I think he even killed people. How can you not love a friend like that? We spent all night chatting about comedy theory and chicks.

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU HAVE KILLED PEOPLE?

No, that's a myth that I started to gain street respect. Didn't work. I have killed in a few comedy clubs - last night here, for example. I've never even stabbed anybody. I know, you don't have to say it, I'm a real pussy.

IS THERE A GOD?

Getting a little serious rather quickly, eh? Well, here's how I see it. I exist. So do you..

ME?

...what did I say? Fuck! No, ok, hold on. I exist, and I am not the only thing that exists. Since something other than me exists, that proves that I am not the whole, but a part. I am part of something bigger than me. It is endless and I didn't make it - soemthing did. I call that thing God. I don't think there's an old man in a chair, and I don't too much care, either. It's everywhere and I'm just living in it.

BOXERS OF BRIEFS?

Jesus. Boxers, I guess. You gotta brush up your interview skil..

IT'S JUST ONE OF THE QUESTIONS I AS...

...how do you like it when I interrupt, fuckface? Don't look at me this way. I'll cut you up. The heat makes me batty.

OK, THEN. WHAT'S NEXT FOR BRETT MARTIN?

Well, I think I'm going to stay in Canada for another year or two. I need to polish up. Depending on how good I am, I will either go back to England for a year or two for some more grooming, or head right for the beast, America. I want to do this, and I want to do this well. But, all said and done, there's a life to be lived, too, right? I want to settle down a bit at some point. The further I go, the more I realize my home is back west, somewhere between Vancouver Island and Calgary - or Winnipeg. That's where I want to end up. But, I'm not even half way to where I want to be, so it's too early to get too planned down. Who knows? Maybe I'll die after this sentence. I know this, I want to be happy and inspirational. Not too much to ask. Oh, yeah. One more thing.

WHAT?

I want an air conditioner. My sweat is sweating.

WELL, ONE MORE, THEN WE MUST GO..

good.

DON'T GET BICTHY WITH ME, YOUNG MAN. I HAVE KILLED MANY PEOPLE AND IT WILL BE NO SWEAT OFF MY SWEAT TO MAKE YOU NUMBER 43.

who did I hire? Pick?

YOU SHUT UP. HERE IS MY QUESTION. WORST INVENTION EVER MADE?

Well, that's a good question. I don't know. Wish I would have thought about that. If anybody out there has an idea on that, let me know. Hmmm. I guess maybe the clock. It puts life itself in a schedule that never existed until we made it. Nobody would be late if there was no clock. No time. We evolved into humans without time. Cats live famously and productively without time. It's an illusion of the mind that we created to give oursleves a false sensation of control. Fuck time.

SPEAKING OF TIME, WE MUST GO NOW. HAVE FUN BRETT, AND THANK YOU FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US

(Secretary) He already left. Something about too hot to listen to bullshit.

OK, THEN. WHAT A TREAT HE IS TO WORK WITH. ANYWAYS, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.