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Friday, April 28, 2006

Names and Accusations - Yummy!

In my last post, I mentioned 'naming names'. It stuck in my head. I realize nobody does this anymore. Direct finger-pointing has become passe. Innuendo and suggestions is as near as it seems to get. Nobody owns up to things or flat-out accuses anymore. Fear of legal action, fear of rejection, fear of feather ruffling, fear of being wrong - they may all be factors. But, I don't so much care. Names should be named. Faces should be shown. For good OR bad. I think the world needs more finger-pointing, if only to spark debate. So, I present 'Naming Names and Showing Faces'.

Name: Sammy's Deli.
Location - Calgary.

This place - Sammy's Deli on 17th ave in Calgary is on the name list because it's food sucks. It came highly recommended and upon checking it out, I have determined it's food was garbage. I ordered a Chicken Shawarma. It was awful. It was so bad, I found myself thinking, 'Hey, I could make this'. That's a bad deli. If I can outcook a pro establishment, that establishment shoud look into becoming a dollar store or pawn shop. Get the fuck out of my city with that crap food. Sammy's Deli - you suck balls. I like to think of myself of as something of an intellectual with certain achievements of mine backing that statement, and with that in mind, saying you suck balls at food making is the most accurate statement I can make. Sammy's Deli bad.

I'm really tired and can't think of many more. I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep. I really was thinking about how bad the Shawarma was. Maybe this has nothing to do with name naming so much as it does insomnia and old chicken. I can't sleep and my writing is slipping.

Name: Brett Martin
Location: Depends on your perspective

My trouble with this guy is he takes a lot of shit. I know for a fact that there are several people he would like to eviscerate with his wit and mouth, yet he won't. He seems to hold himself back. But he's changing back, you know. He's getting pretty fed up. I knew him when he had fire in his soul and intensity in his eyes. He has softened and admittedly become a happier man. Good for him. But I see him as half-speed at the moment. He sucks now, but I know of no man who does what he does when he does it. He also speaks frequently in the third person and that has to stop.

Name: Ron from Saskatoon
Location: Saskatoon

I'm upset that I forgot this guys last name, but not surprised because I lack the respect for him to be able to. He runs the Comedy Room in town. He's also a manager at the hotel. I cannot judge him as a man outside of the comedy room because I do not know him. I do know he can kiss my ass. I had three bottles thrown at me in his room and he did not apologize to me. That's low, brothers and sisters. If you are in my house and you happen to burn yourself in warm tap water, I will show concern and offer assistance. He dealt with me as if it was my fault. Granted, I did have on my 'hey fuckers, why don't you throw three bottles of beer at my face and ruin an evening for people who are sober and came to the show' t-shirt on, but that's no reason to be a pompous dick. He gave me a cold-shoulder that not even a loved one could give. What should I expect, really. I should have just been humbled to be in the presence and share in the aura of the great food and beverage manager/comic liaison in Central Saskatchewan, Canada.

Name: My Mom
Location: Mothers pedestal

She went to Califonria and brought me back the new 'Eagles of Death Metal' CD. The album name is 'Death by Sexy'. When your mom brings you back a gift like that, that's a name happily WORTH naming. For Mothers day I shall burn her a copy of the album.

Name: God/Eternal Life Force
Location: Heaven, Outer Space or Israel

Big Ups, Lordy - you made the list. A lot of people seem to be doing bad things in your name. Now, I'm calling you out, big guy. You gotta set the record straight. Let them know there is only ONE God. ONE source of life. Anybody who thinks that their God is the only God - you gotta smite them good! I'm tired of the news always being full of religious strife. Help us out, here, Life Force of the Universe. Also please help the Flames win the Stanley Cup. Besides, you know anybody who cheers for Ottawa is an infidel.

I'm tired. Cigarette then bed. Click click, reader - you don't want me to name you and call you out, do you?......

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Lacking Humor With A Pinch Of Wit

We have this bizarre Criminal Law in Canada called the Young Offenders Act. Amongst several odd rulings within is one in which the accused, if under the age of 18, cannot be named in the media.

There was this Triple Murder in Medicine Hat, a small city in Southern Alberta. A mother, a father and a young son were killed. Missing was a 12 year old daughter. Her name an picture spread everywhere as the Police desperately sought her to ensure her safety and ask her some questions.

Two days later, an arrest is made in Saskatchewan. A 23 year old man and his 12 year old girlfriend were arrested in connection with the murders. Coincidentally, the hunt for the 12 year old daughter ceased, as police announced she was found 'in safe surroundings'. No more questions, please.

In case you are extremely retarded, I will inform you that the daughter is the one arrested. I hope I am not breaking any news to those of you who know the case. An asinine law has prevented the police from announcing what a mongoloid can figure out - two plus two equals four.

I know this becuase I am moderately intelligent. For one, in murder, it tends always to be someone close to the victim. Secondly, when the police announce the name, age and picture of a person, and then arrest somebody matching the description, and the cease to speak of 'either' girl, well, that's when you know the Mounties got their man, or in this case, their adolescent.

I'm sure, though, that somewhere in a prison cell in South Alberta, a young, orpahned girl sits, thanking her lucky stars that the media can't publish what a simpleton can add up; and not so far in Ottawa, a government official can sleep easier knowing he outiwtted us all by hiding names.

If there is a moral of this story, it's name names and take pictures and spread their faces all over the news. Nothing can scare potential young murderers like a bad picture of them on the front page of the news.

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Shingles Chronicles

It's been awhile. I have Shingles. Sentences, like periods of mental health, are short....

Yes - I am a 26 year old man and I have shingles. Shingles, apparently, is a re-occurrence of the Chicken Pox virus. It is triggered by stress and anxiety, two things I have in spades. I've always been a bit of a stress case, but this caught me off-guard and has caused me to slow down and take a deep breath. How is it, at 26, that I am suffering from yet another stress-related malady? It has caused me to re-think many of my habits and purchase many vitamins. The way I'm seeing it now is if I am 26 and stressing out, how will I be when I'm 40, IF I become 40. Shingles are as thought provoking as they are itchy and sore.

I took two weeks off stand-up. I still may do an open mike to jam some ideas, but the illness got very much the best of me and I wish to slow it down. I think different things will help to cure me of this. More plants in the apartment. Goodbye cola, hello juice. Au revoir chips, bonjour yogurt. As I near my rockstar birthday of 27, it looks like my life is headed in oh, such a different direction.


Flames Play-offs start today. My pre-season pick, if you'll remember, was Calgary vs Montreal. I stand by it more for pride than I do accuracy. If I had a gun to my head, I'd say San Jose vs Buffalo. But, then I'd also say Calgary looks good. Either way, I see it as a fortunate time to have shingles and be somewhat house bound.


I just got back from Lethbridge. I went the day I was diagnosed with Shingles. I can tell I am aging because I am no longer excited to go to Lethbridge. I cannot pretend that Lethbridge is 'neat' anymore. It is not and I am not pleased to be there. There is something about playing an 'authentic' Irish Pub in Lethbridge, Alberta, that just seems to take all the glory and glamour out of my job as comedian. It is rather humbling to know that perhaps a quarter of the audience is there to play Golden Tee video games and there just happens to be some comedy for them to over-hear. The time in my youth where I viewed this job as a whimsical is now gone. I see it very practically now. You can file Cranbrook in the same file as Lethbridge.


I need a couch and loveseat. If you have one, please let me know and feel more than free to give it to me. After all, it is better to give than to receive.


Also feel free to donate your Calgary Flames Playoff tickets to me. I will accept that graciously. Shingles does allow for hockey games.

I'll be back and write more.......

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

More Pictures

Here are some pictures. They are rather random, with the majority coming from my weekend in Kelowna. You will se Canada Geese, me chasing Canada Geese, me jumping in apparant joy as I try to make ripples from the dock in the water, me sleeping with my old cat, mountains, and Lake Louise in the Winter. Literature to come....

Thursday, April 06, 2006

By The Way.....

If you live in Kelowna, I'll be co-headlining your Yuk Yuks this weekend.

Any Calgarians wanting to see me can see me be the host at the Yuk Yuks in town. Come see me tell people with birthdays that nice as it is, I don't actually care as a human about it.

Should you reside in Cranbrook, I'll return to your fair city for the fourteenth or so time to headline your local Yuk Yuks next Fiday and Saturday, April 14th and 15th.

And finally, should you live in Lethbridge, come down to the Yuk Yuks night and see me headline your Comedy Club/Irish Pub. It will be a night of great comedy and even better Mormon jokes.

I also play Dickens in downtown Calgary pretty much every Monday. Fun place to chit chat in the funny code.

I don't know where I am in May. Book me and have me play your corporate event, or have me host your local AA meeting. Why not book Brett Martin as your 'Wake' entertainment. Face it - dead people really bring a room down. Book Brett Martin you're frown wil be turned upside down! Need a Funeral speaker, too? I'm willing to do interviews with family and 'friends' to get the real story on the dead guy and wrap his whole life up nicely in a touching/'edgy'/fresh/spiritual 15 minute speech/act. Only $200 more books you great opener!

Have me in to MC your baptism. My BABTISMMC package offers the holiest water-bucket of laughs on the circuit. I'll even find out who's in from out of town! Yours for $440 plus commission to my agents.

More dates to come....

Adjusting to Home and Looking for Nickels

I just noticed a disturbing trend. I found myself looking at my add revenues before I'd think to write something. Why do I get like that? Sort of means to me that I should stop thinking about money and start thinking about ideas. Besides, the ideas I'm picthing ain't making me anything......

I am finished with the process of moving, and am now currently mired in the process of getting settled - for now. The space is nice. Having a lease is a new thing for me and I am heaving to work to get it through my thick head that I have a home to, well, be at home in.....

Funny how much plants add to place. The girlfriend and I have been shopping and bought muchl; but, nost noticably, plants. I have learned they don't like to be near fires, which I assume is a truth for most species. They bring alot of life into a home. Wall stuff and places to sit will follow....

I wonder if anybody clicked on my ads at this moment and made me a quarter.....

Got Cable today. Forgot that TV sucks. I still watch it, though, oddly enough. Even a TV News Scientist was saying kids under the age of 2 shouldn't watch it. That's not a good sign. Nor is it good for the sponsors of the show. They're gonna get pissed if some guy on the TV show they're paying for says not to watch it, and then they'll probably kill him with a bullet, messily - to the head. Don't fuck with the TV people, I'm telling you.....

Thoughts are soaked with fatigue. Moving is tough work. Makes the grind seem easy. I imagine with internet in home now, I may be writing more. And hopefully making more. Wonder if an ad was just clicked....