This is How I see it. If You Like What You Read, Click An Ad And Help Me Out

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Ottawa - Fin

Ottawa, as work, is over now. I am done the weekend. I end on a high note. The first show was full of old people with old brains and unfun people. I had to ask a gentlemen in the front row to look me in the eyes....they were THAT sort of audience. If you were at that show - I really didn't have any fun, either. But I've learned to fake it - haha! The owner/agent/manager though I was a tad sweary, which was true, and seemed to agree it was not 'my crowd'.

Second show was top-notch, easily my favorite of the week. It also included my favorite on-the-spot line in somtime: "You gotta love the morbidly obsese because they don't love themselves". I was simply having fun and haven't felt it like that since, well, the last time I worked. Oddly enough, even though I thought it was my best of the week, I handed out the least amount of blog ad-cards. I was rather obsessed with handing those things away. Many people aged 50+ took them and actually liked me. Weird. Maybe I have a future in cruise ship comedy.

All in all, it was/is very nice to get back 'to it'. My life has changed in so very many ways of late, and it's nice to get back to the stage. I'm still learning to incorporate my new world up to the stage, and time shall grant that. The boss says he'll have me back, which is all you can really the best thing toaccomplish from a week, so it ends well.

As a Human, Being, it was a good weekend, too. I saw parliament. It was fun. I saw the House of Commons, the Senate an annoying tour guide. He spoke in such granduer that I was curious if he imagines us to be the Christ-child. No thing is as epic as he made the government building to be. It was ridiculous. He spoke of his desire to be a politician, which triggered my competive juices. I think his name is Dave, and he, too, is from Winnipeg. Don't vote for him - he molests cattle. Vote Brett.

Now I have an hour and a half until I leave for the airport, which is four in the morning, and back to Calgary to move into my apartment - and finally, a home. Clicky clicky!! Good-bye from my trusty hotel-room in a supposedly haunted hotel.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Ottawa Continues

The pimping continues. I'm pushing rather hard for people to check this site out. I understand now why it's hard out there for a pimp. After my show, I now stand at the door and greet people and hand them a card. It's always amusing to see somebody just stare straight ahead in mild discontent. I just say "Guess I offended you" and keep pushing the goods.

The show last night was ok. No real highlights. I think I got my morbidly obsese people joke down pretty good, which I am happy with, because I wish to end their joke immunity. I was also quite happy with a local joke I made. You see, in front of parliament, here is a statue of a guy who fell into the Ottawa River. Said something about how he was heroically trying to save somebody, but he drowned, too. So, I said I expected to see a statue of a guy with his head stuck in banister and a sculpture of a dude slamming is hand in the car door. The people reacted lukewarmly. Perhaps River Man is something of a local hero and I am ignorantly mocking him, which luckily I am happy to do.

I wandered around some more here yesterday. I went to Parliament, but it was closed. After this, I'm going to go again. Parliament is a very nice building. It's surprising you can actually go inside. Security is just different here, and I'm ok with that. I just walked right in - past mounties and people who work there. I wasn't stopped until I got inside...THEN - I was told it's closed. Seemed like I could just walk into Stephen Harpers' office and ask him for some of that free government money.

After the show, the head honchos took the other comic and I to bar called Oz. It is a tapas and wine bar. I was a little hesitant, due partly to the fact that me and classy joints don't mix well. Much to my girlfriends' chagrin, I am a pizza and hockey man (remember - Gabriels' suck, as do the Sens) and the concept of a classy establishment is usually met with skepticism and ire. But I was wrong. It was nice. I ate Soy Bean and lettuce wrapped sprouts and steak. It was healthy and tasty, which I find to be as rare a combination as 'drunk' and 'prudent action'. I am being treated well here in Ottawa.

Now it's time to go back into Parliament and get some of that free Government money. My time in Quebec lingers in the psyche.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Ottawa So Far

Last night was fun. I was very tired but still was able to get some funny going. I handed out promotional cards for thisblog for the first time, and it so happens one of the people I was 'bugging' onstage already contacted me. Who knew promotion works? Thanks, Mike, glad you enjoyed the show - click on the ads! I need the moola.

The audience was weird. Very groany at things that were not groan-worthy. I thought I was very clean, minus saying 'fuck' alot. But, I was tired. I got an hour and ahalf of sleep that day. Not alot. Today I am rested, but have still yet to leave the hotel. I was awoken at around 9:00 by the maid. I was so tired last night I put out the 'Please clean my room' sign, rather than that standard 'leave me the hell alone' one. I was so groggy I thought I was at home and that she was my girlfriend, which was even more weird since she's not Mexican. Good thing I didn't ask her to cuddle.

Today I guess I'll go sight-see. I'm about five minutes from Parliament Hill. I walked by it yesterday. Seems pretty nice. I didn't see Stephen Harper anywhere. If I do, I'm going to ask him help me get an American Visa. I figure he should help out one of his Calgary bretheren.

The club is nice. It's in a basment, which I always like for Clubs. I don't really know the guys I'm working with, but my mind is open for friendliness. The Hotel is great, I have wireless in my room. The pizza I ordered last night was shit, though. If you live in Ottawa, do not order from Gabriels Pizza. Tastes like it was either made by childern of of children. Gross. The Indian buffet I had was far better.

So, of to adventure Ottawa, with another show tonight. Goal: See Parliament. Likely to do: go to HMV.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Not Everything I Do Is Dickens...

I'm Thirty-thousand feet above Ontario now, on top of Sault Ste. Marie. I'm flying to Ottawa. Never been. Somewhat excited. I'd prefer to be sleeping right now but I find sleep a little difficult to come by on an airplane. I lucked in and got an emergency row seat, which means extra leg room for my six-foot-two plus frame. Usually I have to sit in the middle seat stuck between two strangers, who aren't typically my favorite types of people, anyways. Ad two cups of strangers and a dash of no wiggle room and you usually get a very pissy me. Now, I have room to move, an empty seat beside me and a laptop with dying battery.

They have a TV in the seat back for you to 'enjoy' as you travel. Fox News is on now. I like to watch it and laugh. I ain't sacred of Fox News bullshit. They should really consider some type of content filter for the television service. Particularly, no September 11th highlights. It's like watching Jaws before you go to the Ocean. It's not fun to watch planes do that while you're in one. I'm not a fan of censorship, but would you lay out pictures of flipper babies before you tried conceiving? I probably wouldn't.

A piece of the plane broke off, which was mildy dis-concerning. It was the emergency exit sign that fell on to the ground. I don't dig that. I don't like seeing the vessel I am traveling in fall apart in any way. I don't imagine it to be an impetus on our arrival, but I like my plane in good working order. I'm geekly about the details when it comes to tubes that fly through the air at five hundred miles an hour. I can't wait until I own a bus. If you have one to donate, please contact me.

I'm excited about Ottawa. It's been a lengthy comedic hiatus. I WAS counting, and it's been 39 days since last I actually worked. Sure, I've done local shows in Calgary; but to me, THIS is what comedy is. This is the job. And it's been a helluva long time since I've worked, and I'm excited as all hell. I love my job. Seven years later and I still love my job, and in some ways, way more than ever. The seven year itch has will have to wait for year fourteen - I dig this job and am just getting better.

Pictured and musings to come. Brett hits Ottawa for the first time....

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Mountain Factory

This machine is where Mountains come from.

It's Me, It's Me!

My first pic on here.

Me and a towel wringer in Banff.

More to come.

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Melancholly Surprisingly Returns

Now What? That's the question going through my mind lately. Feel I've hit something of a plateau, you know...

I should be overjoyed and ecstatic. Thrilled and exuburant. I got the girl. I am starting to become a headliner comedian. I found a nice home to move into within two weeks. All the ancillary parts of my world are no longer in my orbit. Many of my goals have been reached, and I'm supposed to be happy now. But I'm not entirely sure I am. I am at the place I always vowed that should I ever reach, peace and contentness would meet me there. If this was the rainbow, there was to be gold here - but there isn't. These days are just like any other. And now the question is "What Next?"

Makes me wonder about goals and what they mean. Perhaps goals are not much more than dictractions to protect us from the mundaity day-to-day life. They say life is pain - perhaps goals and ambitions are small shots morphine, enough to get us through until the next wave of joy unexpectedly hits.

I really am not sure what to do with myself. The adventures of Brett - the one I have been on for the past years, are finished, and they indeed showed me much and brought to me a world of good and love. They took me to England, Toronto, Montreal, parts of America and the East Coast of Canada. I have reaped what I have sown and the yield is impressive. It was an all-encompassing journey that took the whole of me to accomplish, in which every ounce of my heart, mind and soul was pured into. I did it all and had my goals to guide me throuhg it. And now, I see I have reached them.

Now what? I am still alive. In fact, contrary to what I theorized, I am getting healthier. I am still a young man, yet I am getting older - in a good way. It has been suggested to me that at this point, I "start again". Guess I have to.

I have more goals. I do want much, much more than what I have. I haven't even scratched the surface of what I wish to do. Haven't taken much more than a step or two in the direction of who I want to be. It just seems that these goals will be a little harder to accomplish. These tasks a little bigger; and in direction, a bit vaguer.

And to think how funny this experience of life is. Once your goals are reached and at that very moment you find yourself perched on the summit of you dreams, that moment is also the exact same moment yet another range of journeys presents themselves, and you find yourself seemingly back where you started, at the base again, foregtting all the work that brought you there.

So I guess I have to awake from the daze in order to seize the days. Wake up.....

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Human, Being

And the sign said 'Move Your Mind'.


I'm settling very roughly into my new life, my new world and my new routine. It seems funny to me that living in the city I once called home for over a decade and having the woman with me I now call my love, that I should be having such a difficult time finding my feet - but I am. And if I have learned one thing, I have learned not to dispute that which is, and deny what is true. I read the signs to get to where I go, and the most recent signage spoke of the need for a moving of the mind - I have also learned not to fight the wisdom of the universe.

My new feet have new beliefs from old lessons. I have learned not to rely on two things: People and Computers. Both are of faulty design and unreliable at the best of times.

I am sitting a car dealership waiting for the car of the woman I love to be looked at. Seems there is a small trouble with the electrical unit. The automatic locks like to lock and unlock at a frequent pace. This is a very new happening. Something to do with a faulty computer chip. Certainly not a problem, but assuredly a bit of a nuisance. Life is a busy activity best spent in places other than Car Dealerships. But, technology fails and we must abide by it's shortcomings as we stride forward in our endeavors.

Computers crash all the time, losing thousands of hours of good old fashioned hard work - something I very much believe in. We put our trust in these machines to lubricate the pistons of life, to help more smoothly pump the engine of living forward as we stride towards our dreams. But, they fail. They fail us all the time. Cellphones don't deliver important texts. Laptops fail to save our best written piece. Car computers lock car doors for no reason far too often.

Even if a computer does save all required information, another folly is the human who operates it. Humans lack the precision of electronic instruments - something I find endearing. But, the trouble with humans is somewhere deeper and more toublesome a place - The vaults of our beliefs and the steadfast might in which we guard them.

You see, the earth was once flat. It was also the center of the Universe. There have been thousands of Gods named by man, all of whom were real enough to kill or be killed for. Clocks and calendars were designed to track the progress of an event which has no direction in either way. Countries created on land which is neither nere not there. There is no north or south, east or west, then or later.

I am not a nihilist. Very far from it. I believe in much. I believe in the sun. I see it every day. It appears and disappears, seemingly to return again when it does. I believe in water. It flows endlessly and without either permission or apology. I believe in Love. It repairs a hurting spirit and creates life where there seemingly was none before. I believe in wind. It refreshes the stale environment that wind decides needs moving. I believe in touch. It is soothing and can transplant you to a new world - simply by being felt. I believe in fun. Sheer, pointless fun. I believe in smiling and laughing and sharing. I believe in the sound of music. I believe in the rhythm and the beat. I believe in colors, textures and hues. I believe in it all - so long as we humans never claimed to have created it. We at best named that which is, always has been and forever will be. I believe doing anything other than enjoying the thrill of it all is a waste. A sad disrespect to the gift of something greater than computers and humans.

And we all walk so assured we are right. The sign says 'Move Your Mind'. Move my mind away from a place where it is littered with the debris of the untrue and the unreliable. I am trying to move it to a place of simply being. In that place, I think, I shall finally obtain my only true duty on this earth - to be A Human, Being.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Brett says.....

Thanks for all the ad clicking. You took me from three cents to eight dollars and thirty four cents. I appreciate it. It also happens to help me know quality. If you like it, keep clicking. If you don't, don't. Incentive based writing. It'll keep me writing and prevent me from writing boring crap like the one you're about to read.

Well, who knows. I can't speak on your behalf - I don't even know you in all likelihood. Maybe you'll love what I wrote. Who knows? It's up to you to decide. I just sit and spill what my brain has leaking from it. It's early - waddya want from me?

Click, click, click!

Early Morning Writing Lacks Bite

I don't really have much to say today. It's early morning here for me. Around 9am, which is not habitual hours of being awake for me. I am becoming rather domesticated now. My girlfriend has a morning job and a loud alarm clock. She also likes to talk to me once she awakes, and then bring coffee into the bedroom, and then talk to me more. It is a tad difficult to sleep through all the incessant morning kindness. It takes her about an hour to roll out of the house, which is just enough time for me to have trouble getting back to sleep. And as she saunters out the house to work, I imagine her snickering that, once again, she got me out of bed way before noon. And, like clockwork, once the door closes and she leaves, I always find myself wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself.

It usually starts with reading the Sports section of the Newspaper rather obsessively. I thoroughly read the sports stories searching for that tidbit of information that may spread light on a future game or potential trade. Then I look at the league standings and flex my mathematical muscles. I take in all the numbers, do the math, add in factors, and determine for myself how the standings may look in a day, a week, a month. I look for a pattern to emerge, then I predict winners and losers. You'd think I gamble, but I don't. The thrill of being right is enough and the shame of mis-calling a game brings me more shame than you'd think.

Then I sit down more and think what am I going to do today? This has been a pattern for years. It used to happen around 3 in the afternoon, but not thanks to girly, it occurs far too early. The thought of going back to nap always seems enticing, but usually by that time, she has begun to text me on my cell phone and it is harder than I thought it would be to tell your hard-working woman that while she was busting her butt at her job she hates, I was drooling on our pillows dreaming of hockey stats. So, I do something like try to pick up the new cat, or go for a cigarette. Sometimes I check the sports channels for new sports news, and then I get another text from Jessica, and I tell her I'm reading or something to that end. Then I start feeling guilty again, because while she's shoveling snow, I'm waiting to here more about the Calgary Flames' seventh round draft pick from three years ago who is battling scabies and the slim odds of making it to the NHL. Then I shower.

This is the turning point of the day. The shower is really where it all begins. Once I am clean, I feel a duty to be productive. If I do not shower, I will not do anything. I do not believe in being smelly or dirty, which is ironic, because I smoke and habitually where the same jacket again and again. But, once I shower, it's game-on, and I find myself ready to conquer the world.

Which is when I go outside for a smoke and realize it's only 10:30am, and I'm usually still sleeping, and I get a little mad that she keeps waking me up with coffee and love. But, even in haste, it's far nicer to be awoken to kindness and have a leisurely morning than it is to awake mid-day and realize I'm already three hours late for the meeting I clearly won't make it for.

They say the early bird gets the worm. I don't happen to like worms, but I understand an analogy when I hear it. Now, I see a clock that reads 9:38am, and I laugh to think that I've already done that which back in the day would not be done until sometime in the afternoon, and I have a whole day to think of writing a better piece than the one I just penned.