Shrugged

Holy good grief, my spellig is subpar as the hours go on. Something about late nights and spelling that don't mix. I will leave it as it is.

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The cigarette update is: Other than a few smokes from my buddy, it's ok. So, in other words, I haven't quit yet. House-cleaning and quitting smoking rarely happen on the same day.
Excuses, excuses....

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Todays writing is forced. No feeling is urging to leap from within and demand I take attention of everyone and everything to share it. Today feels like a Sunday. House chores and such. But, it isn't - it's a real day, and according to the calender, I gotta get on it!

Many thoughts in my head today. The 'shock' of losing Fionn MacCools is 'sinking' in. I hated it towards the end as it became nothing more than a vehicle to pay me so I could continue to live as I was, which was scraping by. I never too much enjoyed the feeling of hosting the evening. Hosting goes beyond being the MC, it's being ambassador for the room. The middle man between comics and bar staff. I don't too muhc enjoy that spot. I prefer to have somebody doing it for me, and that wasn't ever coming, so the evening died a slow death. I have to be what I am. Maybe one day, as the owner implied in his no-door-is-closed speech, it will return, but one (me) is curious how and even why. Money will not be the motivator.

Other realizations are sinking in. I'm so far in to this life now that the only way out is through the other end. Well put, me.

I am becming a tad more chatty here now. My opinons are no longer held in a vault inside. I'm getting to know these people here, and they are starting to get to know me. I ain't no stranger and I ain't going away. I had a show last night I was very, very happy with. New ideas are sounding pretty good and a style is emerging that I have yet to see from myself. Something of a combination of many other things i've tried, all flowing into one. I will never, ever, ever, stop growing; there will be no one level to achieve in which dreams are realized; I can only go forward, and what I see now I like.

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OK, I should do something today. Um.......