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Monday, July 18, 2005

Just When You Think You Know Something

It's been a really weird last two days. The lessons are coming in rapidly and I barely have time to reflect upon what exactly I am learning. The life I am living is somehow coming into view now, and with it a sensation that something is happening, and it might very well be me doing it. The signs are coming into view but I still don't know which way they are pointing. For the first time, though, I am learning to unhesitantly move in their direction.

I gathered much this weekend. About me. I had good shows Thursday and Friday. Really happy with them. My new attitude on show days is to relax. It's a show day! How can I not feel good? I simply walk away from stress, and consciously can now that I legitmately do this for as a living. I forget about bills and dramas and the future. I live life by my rules those days. I have some stand-up to do, and that is the BEST course of action forward. Do your best stand-up and the rest will be as it should. I spend show days being me and the results have improved dramatically.

Well, Saturday, I didn't do that. Some stress got in my head, and I couldn't shake it. Started thinking too far ahead. "I never got to recording these shows!", "Where will the money come from if I don't have CD's?", "What shirt to wear?". So I decided to 'work hard', get my mind off things. So, I sat down and got to making a set-list. Making notes and to-do lists. Figured I should prepare myself. 'Big show', right?

Well, it was a rough outing. I misread off the top. They wanted me to chat TO them, not speak AT them. I read that but was psyched out - I headed right for the script. Took too long to find myself up there. I was chugging along with material 10 minutes in when I realized I was a fucking robot, simulating character and authenticity, spewing lifeless words from my detached soul. The audience felt it. I responded with seering, subtle anger.

Finally, half-way, I broke. I couldn't fake it anymore and snapped from the trance. It was too late, then. I began commenting on the bizarre show (and it was) up to that point and sorta had a laugh at myself. We all did, actually. For a moment, it was nice. We agreed it was weird and made up. Then I went on to limp to the finish line, the crowd ambivalant to my fatigue from the battle which was fought to ensure that that very result didn't occur.

What did I learn? The same old lesson that I never nail down - just be me. Never seems to fail. That Saturday occurance is just the most recent in a mind-numbing trend to throw my beliefs, ethics and personality aside in fear that I am not doing the right thing. Ten times out of ten it fails me. It doesn't serve any purpose to be anything but yourself. You not only rob yourself, you rob other people. Nobody wins when you're somebody else.

The mark of success is not what can you achieve, but how authentically can you be you. There can be no purpose to the concept of 'self' other than to be it in it's purest sense. It is the gift. I am starting to think that there is nothing more I would rather be than me all the time. Not only will the funny flow, so will the soul.

Cue the next lesson, please.


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