Did It

"When life is hard, you have to change"
Change - Blind Melon

I just moved from my house today. This blog had more warning of it than my (former) housemates did. I was slightly naive in expecting good will and best wishes. It was hostile and angry, and I was docile. Felt maybe I deserved it. I feel a rush right now. It was only an hour ago and, boom, outta there. Home from the photographer, move out. That's how I operate. But I don't feel great. I feel a little guilt ridden, which is good - means I'm not a psychopath. Sometimes you gotta burn people on the way to where you're going, and I know now that my old house is doused in flames of ire which was lit by my actions. I feel bad, but, hey, read the quote.

I never did feel at home there, which was upsetting to me. I didn't move to Toronto to feel the same sensation of restlesness that has dogged me for years. But, as I found out quickly, that feeling was not going to subside in that environment, and it served only to further isolate me from my sense of well being. I was welcome there in a visitors term. 'Feel free to stick around, but don't feel that it's yours' was the vibe, and I felt it instantly. Many a good friend told me to leave right away. I scoffed. I'll make it work, I vowed. Sometimes, others are right. I lived for almost 7 months in an environment that I was never comfortable in. I tried, but as I learned, square pegs do not find in round holes, no matter how hard you try.

Now I live with my old friend and perennial roomate again, but this time in Toronto. What's old is new again, but I don't feel my train stops here, either. It's just replenishing supplies. Something is still happening to me. I'm not making any friends here in Toronto. I am making many an acquaintance, but there is a strange, bewildered look in the eyes of those whom I meet and get to know. Nobody can figure out what I'm all about. My instinct here is, surprisingly, clear as ever. I am flying in the face of the common convention and feel that I should continue in my direction. Maybe the light at tunnels end is a freight train - only one way to find out.

So, the point of it all? Read the quote. When life is hard, you have to change. I am not where I want to be, and the writing on my old wall read nothing would differ if I was to stay in that environment. I had to take this risk. I had to make livid the people with whom I once shared a house. I have to keep going. I had to shake it up, and I just did. The slate is now clean, the possibilities endless, and karma waits me in the future to notify me if my actions were just.

I'm not afarid to change.