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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Did It

"When life is hard, you have to change"
Change - Blind Melon

I just moved from my house today. This blog had more warning of it than my (former) housemates did. I was slightly naive in expecting good will and best wishes. It was hostile and angry, and I was docile. Felt maybe I deserved it. I feel a rush right now. It was only an hour ago and, boom, outta there. Home from the photographer, move out. That's how I operate. But I don't feel great. I feel a little guilt ridden, which is good - means I'm not a psychopath. Sometimes you gotta burn people on the way to where you're going, and I know now that my old house is doused in flames of ire which was lit by my actions. I feel bad, but, hey, read the quote.

I never did feel at home there, which was upsetting to me. I didn't move to Toronto to feel the same sensation of restlesness that has dogged me for years. But, as I found out quickly, that feeling was not going to subside in that environment, and it served only to further isolate me from my sense of well being. I was welcome there in a visitors term. 'Feel free to stick around, but don't feel that it's yours' was the vibe, and I felt it instantly. Many a good friend told me to leave right away. I scoffed. I'll make it work, I vowed. Sometimes, others are right. I lived for almost 7 months in an environment that I was never comfortable in. I tried, but as I learned, square pegs do not find in round holes, no matter how hard you try.

Now I live with my old friend and perennial roomate again, but this time in Toronto. What's old is new again, but I don't feel my train stops here, either. It's just replenishing supplies. Something is still happening to me. I'm not making any friends here in Toronto. I am making many an acquaintance, but there is a strange, bewildered look in the eyes of those whom I meet and get to know. Nobody can figure out what I'm all about. My instinct here is, surprisingly, clear as ever. I am flying in the face of the common convention and feel that I should continue in my direction. Maybe the light at tunnels end is a freight train - only one way to find out.

So, the point of it all? Read the quote. When life is hard, you have to change. I am not where I want to be, and the writing on my old wall read nothing would differ if I was to stay in that environment. I had to take this risk. I had to make livid the people with whom I once shared a house. I have to keep going. I had to shake it up, and I just did. The slate is now clean, the possibilities endless, and karma waits me in the future to notify me if my actions were just.

I'm not afarid to change.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

...but it scares you to death not to

3:03 AM


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