A Blog Entry Is Still A Blog Entry By Any Other Name

It's days like these you don't look forward to but have to reach. I learned that, I think.

Today was a big day in terms of my life on this earth. You see, in the course of the last several weeks, there has been something of an allignment of, well, stuff. The adventure I began on several years ago seemed to reach something of a zenith. The end result of many of my sacrafices and efforts seemed to all cough up at once in front of me, producing for the first time in recalled history of myself, achievement, reward and opportunity.

But, then a funny thing happened.

Having reached this first real step, first success, I found myself with a strange feeling. What? The same feeling of empty that I had before, now minus the illusion of 'saving graces'. The goals I had set for myself were also the standards that I set for myself as happiness. Although there is a sense of accomplishment and pride in me, there is also a couple of realizations. One: much, much more to go. Two: and more importantly - there weren't the answer or the solution, and neither is more.

And then another funny thing happened.

Life went on. It doesn't stop when your world does. The bills stills need to be paid and the plans still have to be made and the sun still rises and falls, but you don't, not in the same way.

Tonight I had a show. Downtown club. Late show. The man at the helms was coming down. I spent the day relaxing, listening to music. New Credit Card in action, no money concerns to think of. A day doesn't get much better than that. I should've killed. Those factors are the sum of an excellent equation as a comic. It should've been enough for me to at least mentally show up, but I didn't. Scripted and aloof, I chugged through 7 minutes of solid placation. Ball not so much dropped as dead to the idea of catching it and having no clue why to, anyways. Sadly, I have learned to fake it and it was acceptable, but both parties agreed something is amiss.

And then life went on again.

I have come to learn that my old ways were all dead-ends. All my dreams came to fruition, and the saying 'Be Careful What You Wish For' is true. Life becomes bigger as you get older and the things that looked so big years ago now seem trivial in comparison. I got to see where I was headed and think that it would be wise now to put up a diffirent sail. I have to choose new ways. I have to have better reasons. I have to take joy in the moment. But the eye must still focus on a goal....

That's what's hard about living. You always think you're doing the right thing until the moment you find out you're wrong. How else to learn but to learn?

And then life still goes on. I have accomplished things and look forward to continiuing. I guess I am now realizing that this phase is ending and the new one is going to look much diffirent. It's just weird to know you have to move past all the things you know, becaue if life goes on, so too, must you...