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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Turning The Corner

"I can't get a life if my hearts not in it"

Noel Gallagher - The Importance of Being Idle


Back on an upswing. Somehow througout all the recent onslaught of good fortunes I was riding a low. Boredom the primary feeling. Boredom is boring. I'm starting to feel a little better as I look up at this mountain - the biggest one I've seen yet and not an ounce of fear in me. Determination bordering on rage is closer to accurate.

A friend of mine once told me I was I either going to kill myself or become rather well known. I never fully understood how either would come to fruition, but always found dying at my own hand the more likely of the two - not because of self-loathing, which I have in no grander levels than anybody else, but because the pointlessnes of life. I figured the only way I could deliver on the positive side of that prophecy was to discover existence as not pointless. That has not been the case.

Life is pointless in the grand scale. Look at the size of existence. It is infinite. The Milky Way is just a speck, making earth much less, and me even smaller. To think I actually matter in the grand scheme of everything, as long as it's been around, is foolish at best. But that got me to thinking another way.

Since none if it does matter, the world I see can be crafted to my whims. There is no point but to enjoy it - and I'm finding that might be enough for me. The world can be molded as your vision sees fit. If you can fathom it, you can do it. Morals play a giant part in the possibility of that vision coming to fruition and seeing the kind of world that lives in your mind become a physical reality as seen through your eyes.

What am I saying? Nothing, I guess. Everything, maybe. The plain of existence I had been living was boring me to absloute tears and the thought of death seemed rather quaint. I had no desire to pursue it but if it caught up to me, so be it. Living was dull. The world I lived in was not mine and I had no desire to continue in it.

No longer. I'm just going to live in mine now. That may mean that more people are going to throw bottles at me. More people may think me an egoist, an arrogant young man. Fine. So be it. I am living for you. I am living for me. I am living because I am here. Kurt Cobain once said "I'd rather be dead than cool". I now have no desire to be dead and an equal yearning to be cool. My only desire and the prime reason for waking up is simply to be alive and play it on my terms.

My heart was not into living. Not the case anymore. Soon my heart, mind and soul will be equal parts and perhaps at that point a prophecy or two will become true.

Don't worry - I don't plan on killing any of you. I'll include myself in that group.


Blogger The Chatterbox said...

You remind me of Eeyore!

"Eeyore: a very gloomy, blue-gray donkey, is stuffed with sawdust. Despite this, Eeyore is a very intelligent animal, although he keeps most of his knowledge to himself. That's why he is very quiet most of the time and a bit depressed.
Eeyore lives at the 100 Acre Wood Southeast, in his 'Gloomy Place'. His favourite food is thistles. Eeyore loves being remembered on his birthday and hates being bounced.

Eeyore's biggest problem is that his tail keeps coming off (he has lost it many times). His other concern is that his house keeps falling down (he has to rebuild it again, and again, and again.....)."

Am I close???

8:40 PM

Blogger Angela said...


You down played your ninja-style dodging of the bottles. I think you also down-played your talent and your future in the business. Play it on your own terms, baby, but make sure you are doing the song justice, too.


12:37 AM

Blogger Marcus C. Beaubier said...

Life, as near as i can tell, is all about making and remembering the perfect moments... Like riding a bike and listening to a cheesy song that fits the moment.

The trick in not to squeeze the life out of them, so they lose their wonder.

Going to see the foo fighters was a perfect moment. Going to Toronto to see you and Pete was another perfect moment.

Rage hard against the dying of the light. Make (but don't try to force...) the moments that will rock your world when you look back at them... Just don't forget to move forward too,

3:12 AM

Blogger The Chatterbox said...

ya ya ya...nuff of the insightful serious stuff.
....just do an eeyore voice for me!


9:24 AM

Blogger Peter Anthony (Reid) said...

remember that story i told you about that comic from new york (marc maron) who decided one day that he had enough and was going to kill himself the next day. then he goes out into the city, into the world, knowing he's going to die, and has the greatest day of his life. he claims to have lived each day since the same way, taking nothing seriously but everything as he wants. as are you, as am i, as we all should. this is good news, man! good news!!!

11:20 AM

Blogger denise said...

Oh, honestly people, the answer is obvious to us enlightened ones and right in front of you - tequila. Don't complicate things.


4:51 PM


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