Turning The Corner

"I can't get a life if my hearts not in it"

Noel Gallagher - The Importance of Being Idle

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Back on an upswing. Somehow througout all the recent onslaught of good fortunes I was riding a low. Boredom the primary feeling. Boredom is boring. I'm starting to feel a little better as I look up at this mountain - the biggest one I've seen yet and not an ounce of fear in me. Determination bordering on rage is closer to accurate.

A friend of mine once told me I was I either going to kill myself or become rather well known. I never fully understood how either would come to fruition, but always found dying at my own hand the more likely of the two - not because of self-loathing, which I have in no grander levels than anybody else, but because the pointlessnes of life. I figured the only way I could deliver on the positive side of that prophecy was to discover existence as not pointless. That has not been the case.

Life is pointless in the grand scale. Look at the size of existence. It is infinite. The Milky Way is just a speck, making earth much less, and me even smaller. To think I actually matter in the grand scheme of everything, as long as it's been around, is foolish at best. But that got me to thinking another way.

Since none if it does matter, the world I see can be crafted to my whims. There is no point but to enjoy it - and I'm finding that might be enough for me. The world can be molded as your vision sees fit. If you can fathom it, you can do it. Morals play a giant part in the possibility of that vision coming to fruition and seeing the kind of world that lives in your mind become a physical reality as seen through your eyes.

What am I saying? Nothing, I guess. Everything, maybe. The plain of existence I had been living was boring me to absloute tears and the thought of death seemed rather quaint. I had no desire to pursue it but if it caught up to me, so be it. Living was dull. The world I lived in was not mine and I had no desire to continue in it.

No longer. I'm just going to live in mine now. That may mean that more people are going to throw bottles at me. More people may think me an egoist, an arrogant young man. Fine. So be it. I am living for you. I am living for me. I am living because I am here. Kurt Cobain once said "I'd rather be dead than cool". I now have no desire to be dead and an equal yearning to be cool. My only desire and the prime reason for waking up is simply to be alive and play it on my terms.

My heart was not into living. Not the case anymore. Soon my heart, mind and soul will be equal parts and perhaps at that point a prophecy or two will become true.

Don't worry - I don't plan on killing any of you. I'll include myself in that group.